*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
The human personality is made of five key elements
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
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(Summer 2015)
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.