just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
🙅🏻
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme