it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
So inspired right now.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism