“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”