Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.