*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I love the National Park Service.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.