Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
plant them where lol
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked