Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.