a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
You Might Also Like
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.