Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses