I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.