establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Batman v Dracula
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine