[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
i’m sure it’s fine
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick