Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
this is how life feels
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow