i think we should see other cousins
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Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Whisper out to librarians!
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*