*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*pronounces woah like Noah*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Mistakes were made