My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
You Might Also Like
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.