1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
“Theirye’re” problem solved
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.