The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness