“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
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Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.