@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
You Might Also Like
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
me after drinking all the wine:
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
This probably isn’t good
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Labreador
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do