you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
You Might Also Like
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.