Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x