I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
You Might Also Like
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.