5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
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Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.