You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I need a headline like this
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My whole life was a lie.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind