Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
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Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Good boy 😂😂
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth