Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
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Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My dating profile:
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra