Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
pls suprot
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.