My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
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Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I like long walks away from everyone
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.