Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.