*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
You Might Also Like
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
the Monday after daylight savings
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.