Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Yup
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need