“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
You Might Also Like
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet