Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
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“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.