Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*lint rolls you awake*
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”