Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?