Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
found my next D&D character name
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?