wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
This headline is a thing of beauty
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.