Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.