If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
You Might Also Like
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.