You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Fidel Castro was alive?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Tuesday
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados