The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s