mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
This is not me but this is me
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting