“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I’ve been learning to cook.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it