Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
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me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
A ghost story
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.