At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
You Might Also Like
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
You’ll be OK
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
#dalle2
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Finally
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.