Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?