I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.