If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
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No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.